In most cases, you can turn the situation around. This is my specialty, what I help people do.
There are two elements to work on. One is internal, your nervous system. The other is external, how you communicate with your boss.
The internal aspect is basically finding tools that allow you to gain more control over your nervous system - to disengage from the anxiety and calm yourself - when interacting with your boss.
The most effective tools are mind/body, so breathing, posture, soothing touch techniques. These are the things that help you regain control over your physiological threat response, so you’re not at the mercy of the other person.
The external aspect, communication, is equally important. Change the way you listen and talk to your boss. Using negotiation techniques, such as those taught by Chris Voss (former FBI hostage negotiator), you can get your boss to respect you more and get them to do what you want, i.e. be a better boss to you.
It’s not always possible to save your job. Sometimes, if you’ve reached a “breaking point,” you can’t recover from it and the only solution is to leave. The earlier you start using these techniques, the more effective they are.
Ultimately, no matter what, these techniques are worth learning because leaving one difficult boss doesn’t guarantee anything for your future. The only thing that matters is your ability to show up calm and confident, with skills to make other people feel understood and skills to get them to empathize with you.
They are doing it because they feel threatened, which makes them act in automatic and aggressive (or passive aggressive) ways.
This makes you feel threatened, which makes you act in automatic and aggressive (or passive aggressive) ways.
It's a downward spiral that needs to be interrupted by physiological safety.
The way to interrupt it is by working directly on your brain. There are techniques out there for training the nervous system to reduce its threat response.
Before an interaction with that person, or just right when you get into work, find a space to be alone.
Put your hands up like you're punching the sky, and take 10 deep breaths.
Then do some Havening (Google it). Bring your hands to opposite shoulders, and rub down your upper arms to your elbows. It creates a relaxation response and shifts the frequencies of your brain rhythms to a calm, sleep like state.
There are more complex techniques like this you can do to train your nervous system not to feel threatened by this person.
The goal is, when you interact with them, to have it be from a feeling of safety and confidence, which will allow them to feel safe and be a better, more collaborative version of themselves.
What should I do? I looked through my friends phone because I thought she was talking behind my back - and she was - she found out and now she hates me. How do I get her to be my friend again, even though I've said sorry hundreds of times?
Aren't you angry at her too for talking behind your back?
You both did things to hurt the relationship. Things won't get better unless you both decide to own your part and apologize.
Yes, you should keep apologizing for breaking her trust. AND you have to make it known that you feel hurt by her being dishonest with you.
AND you need to make it known that you want to repair things and continue the relationship.
AND you need to be ok with her not wanting to meet you in this task.
Why we she taking about you? What was she getting out of it? You need to truly understand this, and she needs to be clear for herself about it too, otherwise she'll just keep doing it to you and her other friends.
If you tell her everything and then let it go, she'll come back eventually and tell you her story. Then you can listen, and that will help.
Dave Wolovsky, MS CAPP
Relationships Coach, answering the internet's questions about all kinds of relationships.